Wholeness

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Gee, I don't know exactly how to start this. I feel like I should be all profound ... bleh.

My Heavenly Dad has been challenging, growing and ever-patiently loving me into a new understanding of what my relationship to Him is supposed to be. What it really means to be His child (read: a Christian).

I'm sure it comes as no surprise to those of you who know me that I'm a bit...eh...intense. I'm my own worst critic and tend to see most things in black and white. I either pass or fail. As a result, my inner pendulum tends to swing between pride and worthlessness.

When it came to relating to God, well, I just felt I could never measure up. After all, He's perfect and demands perfection right? As a result, I didn't want to talk to Him because I felt that He was never happy with me. I felt that no matter how good I was, He'd always want more. I'll be honest and say that, for the most part, I just gave up trying. Not that anyone would notice. I went through the motions of Christianity, but there was little relationship.

He didn't give up though.

Over the last year He's been shifting my perspective. Showing me that true faith is always, always about relationship. God loves me for me right now. And I'm learning to love others in their right nows too. Regardless of what religion tends to make it, Jesus cares more about people than the rules. Much as I put safeguards, rules and consequences in place to protect and nurture my own kids, Holiness is there to do the same for me. But the Law was never, ever, supposed to come first. Love was.

The song "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns is one of my all-time favorites and brings me to tears every time I listen to it. To me, it sums up what it means to be whole.

Hopefully the lyrics bless you as much as they do me:

Who Am I

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,(ocean)
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

I am yours.
I am yours.
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am yours.
I am yours.


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