Where I've Been

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I know my blog posts have declined lately -- in both quality and quantity.

At first it was because I was just so busy with my non-computer life that I didn't think to sit down and blog.

Then it was because I was struggling a bit inside myself and didn't feel like talking to anyone on or offline.

And now I'm questioning why I do this whole blog thing.

I don't do it just to journal. I could do that the old fashioned way and never share it with anyone. Though I do have to admit that when I did journal, I did it in form of letters to my Lord. It seems more meaningful when I know I have a Someone on the receiving end of my thoughts.

I don't do it for any recognition. In fact, I do have to admit a certain distaste for the side of blogging that involves voting, recognition via handy little graphics etc. Though, to be honest, it's probably just a reflex response to what I know to be my own inner competitiveness. If I let myself take even a step down that path, I think it would start to consume me. I apparently can't balance what I know is meant for encouragement (the little graphic-thingies and vote thingies) with my own perfectionism. I just can't go there.

So why do I do it? What's the point of sharing what I do? I know some of what I've written is pretty raw. Much is pretty unremarkable and would hold little interest to those outside of family and close friends. It's just regular-Joe stuff. And I mean that in a good way. I never intended it to be anything else.

I'm not sure I have an answer on this one, but it does pose a bit of a conundrum. I mean, why blog if I don't know why I do it?

Here's a start:

It's important to me to know and be known. When I was a kid I used to wish that we could know exactly what other people thought of us. Then we'd know where we stood; where we needed to change. I've grown up enough to know that it's a mercy that we don't know these things. Besides, I get my security elsewhere these days. :)

However, I still hunger for realness, for relationships without pretense. Blogging is one way I can be real about where I am at, where I'm struggling, what I'm learning in my walk through this life. I think, too, in a small way I hoped that by being open about my struggles and victories that I'd be able to encourage someone else in theirs.

I guess, too, that I use blogging as a way to exercise my writing skills (or lack thereof). I know that I'm not a particularly gifted writer, but I do like the challenge of getting something from thought into word.

And I suppose that I do use it as a journal of sorts. I've been horrible at writing in the girls' baby books. It's my hope that between Lowell's and my blogs that we'll have enough recorded memories to pass on as they grow.

Well that feels like I've done some mental housekeeping. Blogging won't go into my clutter box just yet. ;)


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