Joy

I'm not entirely comfortable with my emotions. I often feel like they grab me by the hair and yank me around, careening wildly into anything in their path. 

I used to get a bit angry when someone would suggest that I could choose joy. It made me feel like it was somehow my fault that I was getting yanked around.

There have been times during my husband's battle with cancer when I have been absolutely overwhelmed - even paralyzed by fear. All I wanted was to be free from fear. Joy wasn't even on my radar.

Yet, now, 5 years into this battle, I'm learning to choose joy.

Choosing joy was a lot grittier than I thought it would be.

I got mad.

I was tired of being overcome by anxiety and fear. I'd had enough and planted both feet firmly on the ground and decided that by the grace of my Heavenly Father, I would not be ruled by fear anymore.

I would put on my Armour (Ephesians 6:10-18), stand my ground and appreciate - no take joy - in the gifts He's given me today.

Does that mean that I never struggle? That I never wake up feeling like someone dropped a ton of bricks on my chest and want to stay in bed with the covers over my head all day? Nope.

But there's a HUGE difference between doing battle to escape fear and doing battle to take hold of joy.

Choosing joy, to me, is a way of fighting back at the Enemy. What he meant for evil, God is turning for good. Even in the normal, every day: My kids' killer sense of humour, times we watch anime together as a family, a fridge full of groceries, the warmth of my husband's hugs, the soft fur of our degu, melting snow, fresh clean sheets, talks on the phone with my mom and dad … it's not like I don't have material to work with.

So today, by the grace of God, I choose joy.